Sunday, May 29, 2011

Getting Exactly What I Don't Want

When we began considering adoption , I asked myself;

"What's the worst that could happen?"

It didn't take long for me to decide that the worst situation I could imagine - the worst case scenario for me - would be a long wait between seeing my boy's face and bringing him home. I just knew I would not be able to stand watching my baby grow up through photos. I couldn't imagine missing out on his "firsts" and I believed that red-tape hold ups would devastate me beyond repair.

But we moved forward, not with fear, but with faith that these kinds of snags and hold-ups would not be part of the process.

But here we are, seven months after seeing our boy's face for the first time, caught up in a red-tape-jumble that may or may not have an end.

We are in the exact place that I believed we would not be.
We've watched him grow up via two photos a month for seven months.
We've missed his first tooth and his first word.
We will miss his first birthday tomorrow
and I'm fairly confident that we are about to miss his first steps.

And I'm learning that all along I've had faith in the wrong thing.

For the past two years, (and perhaps for most of my life) I've had a faith that says, "I believe that God is so big that he will make things go as I want them to. My faith is so great that I just know that God will give me exactly.what.I.want."

Sounds like pretty easy and convenient faith, doesn't it?
And not to mention selfish.

I've been so wrong and oh-so blind. My faith and hope rested in a quick and easy homecoming for my boy. I had "faith" that he would come home in my way and within my time limits.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, I've learned so much over the last seven months. He is teaching me what true, solid, lasting faith is.

Faith in Him no matter what.

Faith that says "God is GOOD" even when I am getting exactly the opposite of what I want.

And in this goodness, he has put a peace in my heart that I can't explain as anything other than a miracle.

Sure, there is pain and uncertainty and some days there are tears. But I have a confidence in God's attributes that is fuller than I've ever experienced.

I'm living inside my "worst-case scenario" - my own personal place of torment - but I'm realizing that God never promised me that my boy would come home soon.

He's actually never promised me that my boy will come home ever.

But all those things that he has truly promised - joy, patience, goodness, peace - he is pouring out in my life daily.

I am so, so thankful for these gifts that can only come from Him.
Today, I am praising him for being good and for fulfilling His promises.

And - as much as I HATE, HATE, HATE to admit it - I'm thankful that He doesn't always give me exactly what I want.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


We've been at this adoption thing for two years. TWO.

It's been challenging for sure.
And I wouldn't trade a day of it.

As we sprint (or crawl) down the home stretch, we can't help but marvel at all that God has provided for us. And for Briggs. Someday, I'm just gonna list it out for all to see. Really, it's so incredible.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to everyone who has come this far with us.
We. Are. Almost. There.
And then the really important work begins. Raising our boy.

We have been running a couple of fundraisers these past two years and because we still have about $1,500 left to raise, I wanted to give everyone one last chance to participate.

First, we have 50 grocery bags left. I understand that you may have about 27 variations of the reusable shopping bag lying around the house. But, well, ours are better. 'Nuff said. AND, if we sell all of them, it will cover the cost of the guest house for our second trip to Ethiopia. Let's see your little one-dollar-walmart bag pay for someone's good nights sleep.

You can read about them here or visit the sidebar to purchase. (If you live nearby, email me before you order and we can skip the whole shipping&handling thing.)

Second, May will be the last month that I offer "name-your-price" photography. Coming in June, you're going to be seeing real photography prices from this girl. If you've been thinking about having family, senior, baby, or couples photos done, now's the time. I'll still let you pay me for photos after May, but I'm going to be telling you what to pay and you may or may not like it.

What? You're not ready to have your pictures taken now? The baby ran into your older son's fist last week and has a black eye? That's okay too - simply make a donation in May and then book your session before September 1st. (See, I'm not cutting you off cold-turkey. I'm giving you all summer to get your family's outfits coordinated.)

You can see examples of my work here and email me at beckylee123 (at) comcast (dot) net to learn how to donate and book your session.

And again, thank you to everyone for sticking it out with us for this long.
We can't wait to have you all over to pinch our boy's cheeks.