Thursday, April 30, 2009

not ready

I've been crying alot lately. An activity that is generally fairly foreign to me. 

You see, my grandpa is dying and my sister is graduating, and I'm finding myself challenged and grieving and unprepared. 

These are two changes that I am not quite ready to deal with. 

Two losses I am not ready to face. 

You would think I would be more prepared. It's been pretty clear for the past 18 years that Emily would indeed graduate one day. But I'm not ready for her to move on and move up.  To suddenly be "better than" everyone because she has graduated and they have not. I'm not ready for the basketball games and choir concerts to stop. I'm not ready to help her move into her dorm room in Greeley in August. It is a joy for me to share in her life, and I'm just not ready to begin doing that from a distance. 

I'm excited for her and so proud. She has and is and will do amazing and exciting things. I'm just sad for me.

As for my grandpa, it has all just happened so fast. Again, I realize that death is inescapable. That it is one of the few things in life about which we can be certain. But it is painful. It is agonizing to watch. It is a helpless feeling to see a loved one suffer and to not be able to help them. 

I have been so blessed with great relationships with all four of my grandparents. I have been given the gift of really being able to know them, to learn from them, and to feel their love for me. 

My relationship with my grandpa is a treasure, really. And I thought it would be 20 years before I would have to say "goodbye." But this brain tumor says otherwise. 

I've never dealt well with change, but this "change-mixed-with-loss" thing is especially difficult. I'm guessing that I am going to fight it, to deny it, for the next couple of weeks. And then I'll face it when it is time and I will resolve to deal with it and feel the pain and move forward. 

1 comment:

Erik said...

Hey Becky! Long time no talk for sure. I read your blog on a pretty regular basis (links from Alexis and Kyle's blog for their daughter Hannah) and it sounds like things are going quite well for you and Mark.

My grandpa passed away in November and my grandma just passed away last week. Just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and understand what you are going through. If you ever want to talk (after all these years, haha) just let me know.

As for Emily, I can't believe she is 18 and graduating high school. I still remember right before christmas you brought an ultrasound picture of Emily to our second grade class brought by Mrs. Jesmer. At least I think I remember that, though my details could be spotty :).

Hope you are doing well. Shoot me an email sometime if you feel like it ( Don't know when Julie and I will be in Colorado next, but we'll be sure to let you know.